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Be Well
Dr. Jamie Fettig

Why Trust me, Dr. Jamie?

How to heal a broken heart – without having to get them back

If you want to heal a broken heart the first thing you must do is understand what causes your heart to feel whole. You must understand what causes your heart to feel the way it does when you are in love.

What causes the feeling of being in love?

You being loving. See, when you are in love you have found someone who meets your criteria. Meets your rules and expectations about what someone should and shouldn’t be.

And as long as they continue to meet your criteria, you are loving towards them.

It is this – being loving – that actually creates the feelings that so many people call “being loved” or “being in love”. Because you are literally “in Love” in the middle of giving love you have to be in it.

In case you missed that –
It is actually the act of being loving that causes the feeling of “being loved” that so many people talk about.

That is why when someone totally loves someone, they feel the feeling of loved, even if the other person is not being loving.

I am going to say that again.
If two people are in a relationship, one person is in love and the other is not. The person who is in love is being loving and feels what so many people call, being loved.

The person who is not in love is not being loving and does not feel the emotions of love. Despite all the love they are receiving from the other person who so much loves them. They may see nice gestures, but they don’t feel love.

Giving love or being loving is actually what causes the feelings of being loved. It is not someone else who is giving you love that causes your feelings. It is you giving love.

So what causes a broken heart?
When you stop being loving you stop having that feeling of being loved and that often gets called a broken heart.

See, when someone does something wrong or bad as judged by another person, that other person often stops being loving. They say things like, you hurt me, or you broke my heart.

When in reality, that person said they got a broken heart actually quit being loving – often because of a “justified” reason – and they experience the lack of love. The lack of being loving.

They experience the missing of the feelings of when they were being loving. They were being loving when they had the “logical reasons” to be loving. And now that those reasons are gone (often because of something the other person does or doesn’t do), they are done being loving. So they experience the lack of love which often gets called bad or hurt or heart broken.

When someone leaves a relationship, both people often quit being loving. The one who is leaving often quit being loving long before they ever left. This is why they often do not have a broken heart. And why when someone abruptly quits being loving (say because the other person left), there is the missing or broken heart, left in place of not being loving any more.

It is important not to confuse missing with broken heart or hurt. Broken heart or hurt is often as I talked about above, the lack of the person who is “hurt” being loving. Someone who stopped being loving.

Missing is when you are living in the past and want that past experience again.

It is also important not to confuse being loving with being accepting or condoning or being “near” someone.

You can be loving and not be around someone in physical space. You can be loving towards someone and not condone what they are doing. You can be loving towards someone and not appreciate or accept the choices they are making. You can be loving towards someone and not ever speak or think of them again.

In fact, you can be loving towards everyone. Kind of like God does. For no other reason than to be loving and despite all your judgments of them.

And it is when you withdraw your love, and only then, that you will experience a broken heart.

So if you ever want to stop being loving towards someone, remember you can love them, eliminate the broken heart, and still choose not to be a part of their life anymore.


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