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Be Well
Dr. Jamie Fettig

Why Trust me, Dr. Jamie?

A Conversation about Can't, Love & Forgiveness

Someone started out a conversation with me saying
“I can’t”

So the rest is what followed.
Jamie says:
Yes, you can
I can't - that has got to be the most disempowering words in the english language
You can do anything - you may choose not to right now, and that is a choice not to, not the ability not to
So will you do me a favor?
N says:
Jamie says:
take 10 deep breathes now please [she was a little out of sorts at this point]
N says:
Jamie says:
Thank you
and I mean deep, really deep
squeezing all the air out of your lungs
N says:
Jamie says:
Now, notice how you already feel different
So in life, my view, is there are only two places to come from
One is love
And the other is fear
Now, there are different 'variations' of love
And fear variations
But love and fear are it
So when you come from love, you accept responsibility
Not that it is your fault, but that you are responsible.
It is the only place that gives you power.
IF you don't accept responsibility, then there is nothing you can do to change anything
You are stuck with the circumstances
But if you choose responsibility, and act as if it is within your control
You can usually find something to be able to deal with the situation
Is it right that you are responsible for everything? I don't know, but I don't care either
Because being responsible is the only place you can come from peace.
The only place you can come from power
The only place you can come from to make a difference, rather than complain.

I would guess that you are kind of a 'bitchy" older sister
Not that your younger sister is perfect
But that she does not meet your expectations, or does not want what you do
N says:
Jamie says:
So you see it as something wrong that she is not doing what you want
See, from your perspective, you are doing what you think is best for her
From her perspective, you are being controlling and bitchy
I bet she has even said that to you before, both of those words, more than once.
And you cannot see that, because you are sincerely, in your heart, doing what you believe is best for her

N says:
I don’t want to be like that
Jamie says:
I know, most people do not want to be like that
And you are not like that
That is how she perceives you based on her reality of the world
Neither of them are true

N says:
But drive at 15 without license and without permission
For a basketball game
Jamie says:
See, that is you making judgments of what is right and wrong for her
Based on what you would and wouldn’t do.
Do you understand why everyone makes the choices they make?
I don't
Because we all have different values, different dreams, different hopes, different wants in life
And based on those beliefs and values, we are all doing the very best we can given what we have got
N says:
You are right
Jamie says:
So for her, Basketball is really important, for you, it isn't as important.
Your values were studying and college.
Hers are friends and having fun
And so if you get her perspective of the world, and let her have her perspective, you will no longer be seen as a bitch or controlling to her
You try and control her, but for what you see as 'right' as 'good' and as what is 'best' for her
But the truth is, you don't know what is best for her
You hardly know what is best for yourself
As soon as you realize that other people have their lives to live, and you focus on your own life, life becomes so much easier

One of the other things I also look at life from is
How is this a reflection of me?
Because my view is that everything we 'see' is really just a projection from our mind. A big movie we are watching in 3d called life
So if she is doing something, there really is something in you that is doing the "same thing"
So the question is, not the actions she is doing, but the story about what she is doing
How would you describe what she just did? Irresponsible? Stupid?
N says:
Don’t understand
Jamie says:
how would you fill in that blank? might be 1 or 2 words, maybe a sentence?
she took your car without a permit or license, she must be ________________
N says:
Jamie says:
So in my above example
what is it that you are being impulsive about? not thinking about.
That others would judge as stupid or wrong for you doing, maybe even yourself?
Because when you deal with the judgments of you being impulsive, your sister (and other people for that matter) will quit being impulsive around you.
Is this the truth? I don’t know again
but when you do this, when you look within yourself now, and if you deal with the impulsiveness in you that you don’t like, I don’t know why, but people stop showing up as impulsive around you. It just seems to be the way it works

I would start with forgiveness. Realizing that you don't know what is best for her
Forgiveness realizing that she is doing the best with her circumstances that she can, given her beliefs and values in life
Forgiveness for yourself, that you are who you are, with your beliefs and values doing the best you can
And then learn from the situation - learn that forgiveness is the only real constructive thing you can do in any situation


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